


The Night Brings Counsel

by Amerana



Series: Trial and Error [4]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Captain America - All Media Types, Marvel, Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Captain America: The Winter Soldier, Flashbacks, Hydra (Marvel), Mental Breakdown, Mental Health Issues, Mental Instability, Natasha Romanov Has Issues, Nightmares, Post-Captain America: The Winter Soldier, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-23
Updated: 2015-03-23
Packaged: 2018-03-19 05:09:01
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,166
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3597516
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Amerana/pseuds/Amerana
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It usually took a lot to get Bucky to talk, that was until he found the right person to talk to.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Night Brings Counsel

Bucky stared at the ceiling of his bedroom, unable to fall asleep. This wasn’t a rare event, it happened every single night. He would start the night off in his bed only to toss and turn for about an hour. At that point he tended to give up, gather up his blankets, and move to the floor. He did want to sleep on the bed, but it was that the bed was just too damn soft. He’d spent to past 70 years of his life without a bed, hydra hadn’t afforded him that luxury. Instead, if it was necessary to keep him out of cryo, they would stick him in one of the detainment rooms with nothing but a thin sleeping mat on the concrete floor. Even before that, back in the 40’s, he could have sworn that the beds were less soft. 

Even though he knew he would end up on the floor, he always tried to sleep in the too-soft bed. Sometimes he would fall asleep just to wake up a couple of hours later, unable to fall back asleep. With a sigh, he rolled over so that he could stare blankly at the wall instead. He knew there were two solutions to the problem that he faced. The first solution involved talking to Steve about getting a new bed. This was out of the question because even the idea of it made Bucky feel ungrateful for everything Steve had done for him. After all, Steve had opened up his home to a deranged ex-hydra sniper who had just been released from an insane asylum. The other option was that he start the night out on the floor and cut out the tossing and turning, but he liked the idea of sleeping in a bed too much. For some reason it brought him a sense of normalcy. 

He returned to lying on his back and shut his eyes. It still surprised him that he was unable to fall asleep. Back before he was drafted, he would fall asleep right away and could sleep through almost anything. Now, even with the strong sleep medication he was on he couldn’t fall asleep and only ever managed to sleep for a few hours at a time before he was woken up by a nightmare, a small noise, or on occasion, wet sheets. He did, however, still have a hard time getting out of bed at 8 o’clock like he was supposed to. There were rules for everything now, including his sleep. 

He had to go to bed at 11:30, and stay in bed until at least 7 o’clock and at most 8. Even if he wasn’t sleeping, he had to stay in bed between those hours and rest. In order to make sure he fell asleep, he wasn’t allowed to have caffeine after 3 in the afternoon, and his room had to be pitch black, which meant he didn’t have a clock he could check to see how long he had been lying there. He also wasn’t allowed to use his bedroom for anything other than sleeping (with the exception of sex, he was told, as if he was actually allowed to leave the house in order to meet people to have sex with) 

Deciding that he’d had enough of the tossing and turning, Bucky got up, sitting on the edge of his bed for a moment. He really didn’t want to do this, not tonight. After a moment’s thought, he decided that he would sneak down to the gym instead of sleeping. Strictly speaking, he was breaking 2 rules now, one, his therapist’s rule about sleep, and the second, Steve’s rule about the gym. In the second week Bucky was living in the tower there had been an incident involving the punching bag, and Steve had decided that Bucky wasn’t allowed to work out by himself. Bucky, however, felt like Steve had to right to make rules, and hadn’t followed it beyond a couple of days. Steve knew that Bucky didn’t follow the rule, but as there hadn’t been another incident since, neither of them mentioned it. As he got off the elevator, he noticed that the lights were on in the gym, which most likely meant that someone else was in there. He scanned the room until his eyes landed on Natasha who was hitting the punching bag next to the boxing ring that Tony insisted was necessary. Noticing him, she stopped what she was doing. 

“Sorry, I’ll leave,” he still had a hard time facing her. 

”No, wait,” she replied. Moving to the boxing ring she pulled herself onto the edge so she was sitting, her legs dangling off. “Let’s talk.” 

Bucky hesitated for a moment. He knew that talking to her was probably a bad idea, but he also knew that he was supposed to face his triggers when he felt like he could handle it. As he was currently pretty heavily sedated, he knew that now was as good of a time as any. Slowly, he went over to Natasha and sat next to her. 

”Can’t sleep?” she asked and he nodded, “Yeah, me neither. I just got back from a mission in Saudi Arabia; my internal clock is all messed up.” 

”I just can’t sleep,” he replied, knowing that it was expected of him. She didn’t say anything for a while so he cleared his throat, “What did you want to talk about?” 

She thought for a moment as if trying to plan out her words. “When Steve first started talking about moving you into the tower, I wasn’t too happy with the idea,” she started and Buck wondered if maybe this wasn’t the best idea. “See, I saw you as the cold-blooded assassin who shot through me to get at his target, but Clint, Clint knew where Steve was coming from. Almost 10 years ago, Clint was sent to eliminate a KGB assassin, but instead he brought her home, brought me home.” 

Bucky looked over at Natasha, “You used to be KGB?” he asked, tensing up slightly. He knew this anecdote was meant to make him feel better but he couldn’t stop the feeling of paranoia that crept into his mind. The KGB had worked closely with Hydra, what if she was Hydra? What if she had been sent to bring him back? He closed his eyes briefly and told himself to calm down. She was ex-KGB, she didn’t work for them anymore and she was a friend of Steve’s. Steve would never befriend a Hydra agent. 

”Yep, loyalty to the party, and all that stuff,” she nodded, “But yeah, Clint changed my mind about you because he reminded me how unhappy people were when he brought me home but I turned out well. Why should I expect the worst from Steve’s Soviet stray?” 

He tensed up again, “I’m not Soviet,” he replied quietly, his hand drifting to the star on his shoulder, “I’m from Brooklyn.” 

”Sorry, I didn’t mean to…” she trailed off, unsure how to finish the sentence. “It’s fine,” Bucky replied, “The asset, he was Soviet, a Soviet creation. I, on the other hand, was kidnapped by the Soviets.” 

”Right,” she nodded and they were both silent. 

”You willingly joined the KGB?” Bucky asked after some thought. It occurred to him that she probably had, and that he was talking to someone who willingly joined the organization that ruined his life. 

”I was as willing as a child can be,” she replied. 

”You were a child when you joined?” he asked. 

”Not so much joined as was recruited,” she replied, “But yeah, I was 8 when they started training me. They thought the best way to make the perfect assassin was to start early.” 

”Funny, I always thought that the Winter Soldier was the perfect assassin,” he said under his breath, unsure why he felt so bitter about that. Maybe it was because they had ruined his life to turn him into their perfect weapon, and they didn’t even consider him their best work. 

”Maybe that’s why they were never satisfied with me,” she replied, also under he breath. Another silence hung in the room until Natasha spoke again. “Anyways, my point is that I think we have a lot in common and I’m always here if you want to talk.” 

She moved to get up but Bucky put a hand on her leg to stop her, “Wait, can I ask you a question?” He was surprised by himself, as the thought had not been fully formed when he acted on it. The question he had in mind wasn’t one he overly wanted to ask, but apparently a part of his unconscious wanted to. 

”Sure.” 

“Did the Soviets-did they ever do anything to you?” 

Natasha hesitated, “Can you handle talking about this?” 

Bucky hated that question, but even more he hated that the question needed to be asked. “Even if I can’t handle it, there’s a genetically engineered super soldier literally 2 floors above us that can handle it for me.” Natasha gave his bitter tone a weak smile before looking forwards again, “I was trained to withstand anything the enemy threw at me,” she replied. 

Bucky looked down at his hands like he always did when something triggered him. He regretted starting this conversation, but that unconscious part of him pushed to continue the conversation, “What’s the worst thing they ever did?” 

”They ripped off two of my finger nails once, which was pretty bad,” she replied, leaning back on the cords of the boxing ring. Her eyes were fixed intently on him, checking to make sure he was okay. “Do you want to talk about yours?” 

”Once to test my endurance, they made me stand at attention, naked in a cell without food, water or sleep until I was delirious and having hallucinations. Then they beat me because I only lasted 7 days, and the longest they had was someone who lasted 10. Was yours just for training?” 

”They said it was training, but I think it was punishment for a civilian death,” she replied. 

”Yeah, they were never happy when I had civilian deaths either,” he had never talked about this before, even with his therapist. He felt relieved that he was finally getting some of these stories off of his chest. And he was talking to someone who wasn’t going to ask him about his feelings, or treat him like he could break at any moment. “How many did you have? Civilian deaths, I mean.” Natasha was quiet and it occurred to Bucky that other people had stuff that they didn’t want to talk about. “You don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want,” he added. 

No, no, it’s fine,” she said, putting on a tired smile that he knew was misleading, “I have 11” she replied, “You?” 

“I don’t know,” he shrugged, “I know it’s high, I derailed a train once with 25 people on it, and there have been other incidents. What about assassinations?” 

“You want to know how many?” she asked. Bucky nodded and she sighed, “The Black Widow is credited with 10 assassinations.” 

“The Winter Soldier is credited with two dozen but we both know the number is higher than that,” he replied dryly. 

“I’ll tell you my number if you tell me yours,” she smirked. 

“Sounds fair,” he said, thinking for a moment, “I was active for what, 70 years? And I think I have about that many assassinations, probably more. My memories are still kind of fuzzy.” 

“That’s okay,” she replied, “Mine’s 17 people over 5 years.” 

Once again they were both quiet, but the quiet was different this time. The silence that hung in the air wasn’t heavy or unwieldy; instead, something about it felt comfortable. It struck Bucky that the silence felt comfortable because he was comfortable. For the first time since he had started to remember, he felt completely at ease. Something about talking to Natasha had made him feel normal, as though his past was completely ordinary. Of course the main reason that this conversation hadn’t ended in tears was because of the medication, but that didn’t stop him from letting himself pretend he was stable. 

“Do you prefer to be called James or Bucky?” Natasha asked, turning to a lighter topic of conversation. 

He hesitated for a moment, “I don’t really like either to be honest,” he replied thinking for a moment, “ I was only ever called James by my mother and sisters, and Bucky just feels like the person I was before all of this happened. But Bucky is what Steve calls me, and something about that makes me feel normal, so I guess I’d have to say Bucky.” 

Natasha nodded, “If you want, you can call me Nat if you want,” she said in replied. 

“Okay,” Bucky answered. He knew that this offer was her way of opening up, but it took him a moment to realize that it probably meant they were friends now. With this realization came regret, because Natasha was being so nice to him and he had shot her. “I’m sorry,” he said abruptly, and it wasn’t until after he had spoken that he realized she would have no idea what he was talking about. 

“Sorry for what?” she asked gently, turning to look him in the eyes. 

“For shooting you,” he replied, looking down at his hands. 

Natasha hesitated for a moment, “You don’t have to apologize for things that other people have done, Bucky,” she replied. 

“But I-“ 

“As far as I’m concerned, Hydra did that to me, not you,” she interrupted. 

Bucky appreciated her answer, it just re-enforced the content feeling that was filling him right now. “I have the oddest desire to hug you right now,” he stated. 

Natasha playfully pushed his shoulder and he chuckled. It wasn’t the bitter chuckle that he used when he was talking about something dark, nor was it the one he forced himself to use sometimes when he felt like Steve needed to hear him laugh. No, this was an actual, genuine chuckle. 

Natasha turned and looked at him, surprised, “James-wait, what’s your middle name?” 

He hesitated a moment, knowing that she would make fun of it. He hated his middle name, always had and probably always would, “Buchanan,” he said finally. 

“Buchanan?” Natasha repeated, laughter in her voice, “Your middle name is Buchanan?” 

“You know what? I think I remember your full name, and yours isn’t any better,” he replied, remembering the first time he saw her file. 

“Yeah? Bet that’s an empty threat,” she replied. 

“Natash-no, Natalia Alia-Alianovna Romanova,” he had to think very hard, but he did, in fact, recall it. Maybe it was because her file was one of the last ones he got before he escaped Hydra. Natasha cringed slightly at the mention of her name. 

“Really?” She questioned, “You barely remember the past decade, but you can remember my full Russian name?” 

“Apparently,” he smirked, reminding Natasha of her previous line of thought. 

“Hey! I was about to scold you. James Buchanan Barnes, did I hear you laugh?” she asked. 

“That’s Sergeant James Buchanan Barnes to you, Natalia Alianovna Romanova.” 

“Yeah? Well it’s Natasha Alianovna Romanoff to you,” she replied. 

Bucky looked at her in realization, “It’s a trigger for you?” he asked gently, to which Natasha nodded, “I’m sorry,” he replied. 

“No, it’s okay,” once again returning to the specious smile. Maybe for her, the smile was like the blank face he used to hide his emotions. “You never answered by question, did I hear you laugh?” 

“Seems you did,” he nodded, “And you might be the only person who’s heard me genuinely laugh in this century.” 

“Well, aren’t I luck?” she replied, and before she could say anything else they were interrupted by the opening of the gym door. 

“Well if it isn’t Steven Grant Rogers,” Bucky said as Steve walked through the door. 

Steve gave Bucky a strange look and shook his head, “What?” 

“Oh, nothing,” Bucky replied with a smile. 

Steve looked even more confused now, “Are you-are you smiling?” he asked. 

“Shocking, isn’t it?” Bucky returned. 

“As shocking as it is, you’re supposed to be in bed right now,” Steve replied, getting right to the point. 

“I know I am, but as it happens, I’m breaking the rules, something you should know all about,” he replied. Definitely more sassy the more tired he was, but something about it felt familiar. Maybe this was what he was like before everything that had happened, maybe he was finally regaining some sort of normalcy. He turned to Natasha, “Did you know that Steve used to lie on enlistment forms?” he asked. 

“No, I didn’t. I didn’t even think Captain America knew how to break a rule,” she replied, looking past Bucky at Steve, who looked mildly confused by the situation. 

“Oh, he’s broken plenty, one time he even broke direct orders from a supervisory officer. But I can’t complain about that, he broke those orders to save me.” 

“His damsel in distress?” she mocked. 

“He might as well have been, for all the good he’s done me,” Steve mumbled under his breath, but they both caught it and exchanged a glance. 

“I’ve done you plenty of good!” Bucky responded, “Saved your life on multiple occasions!” 

“Yeah, and you’ve been a royal pain in my ass the whole time,” Steve responded, crossing his arms, “You should really get back in bed,” the words sounded like it gave Bucky a choice, but he knew he really had none. Steve wasn’t supposed to give Bucky orders if he could avoid it, even if Bucky was breaking the rules. 

Bucky started to get up before something clicked in his head, “Wait, you were checking on me while I was sleeping, weren’t you?” 

“Yeah, and apparently it was a good thing, because you weren’t there even though you’re supposed to be,” Steve replied, obviously amused by the whole scenario. Bucky thought he was probably relieved to see Bucky doing something mildly normal for once. Bucky rolled his eyes. Steve, of course, caught this and looked at Natasha, “What did you do to him? I’ve not seen him like this since 1945.” 

“You haven’t seen me since 1945,” Bucky replied dryly, and Natasha snorted. 

“Have you somehow become more snarky in the past 70 years?” 

“Maybe he’s getting crotchety in his old age,” Natasha offered, and Bucky playfully pushed her. 

“I have a different theory, see, I think the more tired I am, the more snarky I become,” he answered. 

“Oh, you’re tired? Maybe it’s because you’re supposed to be in bed but you’re not,” Steve replied. 

Bucky rolled his eyes again and got off the edge of the boxing ring, “Fine, I’m coming,” he replied, finally giving in to Steve’s nagging. As he made his way out of the gym, he turned around, “Night Nat,” he said with a smile.

**Author's Note:**

> Loyalty to the party - Loyalty to motherland is the motto of the KGB, explaining why Natasha says "Loyalty to the party and all that stuff"


End file.
